Eddie's Jobs Today Plan: An Investor's Bonanza

You have seen all those infomercials late at night or on Sunday afternoons when there are no sports shows on TV offering you the way to become fabulously wealthy. But you've always been concerned, wondering if it is too good to be true. Would you dare waste your hard-earned money and perhaps lose it?

Is it really possible for you to make the kind of money that these people are talking about in their 30 minute advertisement. I'm sure that you are saying to yourself if only I knew this could really happen to me, then I would do it. If it were fool-proof, I would get involved you say. If it was so easy you think, then why wouldn't everyone do it.

Well my friends, I'm going to offer you in this BLOG the chance of a lifetime, your opportunity to move on up to Easy Street and to live the Life of Riley. Yes friends, get on board the gravy train offered by your City Hall and Senior Level Government but do it now, before it's too late.

Do you dream of mansions, yachts, luxury automobiles and vacations in exotic locations? IF SO THIS BLOG IS FOR YOU.

Are you just starting out in life but poor and risking unemployment but dreaming of that perfect, high paying job like that of a Windsor Police Constable? IF SO THIS BLOG IS FOR YOU.

Do you have a spouse and a couple of kids and are having trouble making your mortgage payments but wishing that you could make a salary like a Windsor City Hall manager? IF SO THIS BLOG IS FOR YOU.

Are you just recently retired or you took a buyout and you're worried about whether you can make ends meet with the price of gasoline and bread and electricity and water and property taxes and levies increasing but wish you had a pension like a Politician? IF SO THIS BLOG IS FOR YOU.

Yes my friends, you too can have all the money that you'll ever need by investing in the JOBSTODAY FUND which I am starting up. All you need to do is invest a few dollars in the fund along with fellow Windsorites and just watch the money come rolling in. Laugh away your worries and get in on the investment bonanza that is sure to happen.

We all know that our Mayor, Eddie Francis, is a smart guy. As someone said, "He is one brick more than a load." As Gord H. told us

• "Francis said the need for local incentives hit him, like a brick between the eyes."

Well folks, the idea of how to capitalize on Jobs Today hit me like a ton of bricks. I want to share my idea with YOU and help YOU AND YOUR FAMILY enjoy life to the fullest as we all become filthy rich.

First off, I need your money for the JOBSTODAY FUND . I actually do not need your cash yet, just a commitment will do. It's similar to the kind of commitment that Eddie asked of the Essex County Warden Santos:

• "Francis said the money does not have to be provided up front — it’s the commitment to funding that counts.
  
  “We need the commitment so we can start advertising, so we can start putting it out there, so we can start communicating...that money is available.”

Don't worry, with your commitment, I will leverage it with the hundred million dollar fund that Eddie wants to use to create jobs. Moreover, every dollar from you will be matched and increased by not only that fund but all the Government funds I can latch onto since Windsor is clearly now a depressed area.

Every dollar that you contribute can be increased one, two, five or even tenfold or more with all the Government matching and grant programs that are available. Those Gazelle Feeders won't know what hit them by the time that I get through asking for cash.

Do I have a PLAN, a Business PLAN, to convince the Governments and the Economic Development Commission to give us money. Of course I do. I know how the system works.

What is the first thing that I'm going to do with all this JOBSTODAY FUND money? Obviously, I am going to California and Arizona. Why, because of the aircraft graveyards there. I am going to go out and buy a fleet of airplanes very cheaply.

I have of my choice amongst hundreds of older, less fuel efficient but still flyable planes that sit there waiting for someone to buy them or else they will be junked and recycled into aluminum cans. I have my choice of large jets and small ones including DC-8's and 10's, Lockheed L-1011's, Boeing 737's, 747's, 757's and 767's, as well as Airbus A300's and A310's.

I can get those planes at a bargain price and make us a fortune on them. And think of all the people that I will have to hire to be crews for those flights. This alone will guarantee success for Windsor Airport with all the flights coming and going. This might actually require the upgrading of the Expressway to handle the road traffic so I will solve the road to the the border issue too as an afterthought.

With the JOBSTODAY FUND money, I am starting up a new charter airline, Air Windsor/Essex. Why should we give the passenger fare money for Windsorites going to and coming from their new jobs out West to Air Canada or Westjet to make them rich when we can keep it here in Windsor and make us rich instead.

Imagine the thousands of people who would go out by air every Sunday evening and come back every Friday night from their jobs out West to join up again with their families. Planeload after planeload after planeload every weekend in the year. Why should our people be forced to pay over $1000 and have to endure a six or seven hour flight and change in Toronto, when our airline can charge a few dollars less and cut the travel time in half with a direct flight.

And if employers out West pay the fare, since it is much cheaper for them than moving a family out West and subsidizing their mortgage payments for years since the cost of a home in a western city is probably double or triple the price of a Windsor home, they won't mind paying out a few dollars less than the scheduled airlines would charge! They will save money too.

During the week, what we would do with the AIR WINDSOR/ESSEX airplanes. They will not sit idle, I assure you of that. The extra money we make will all be gravy too.

We'll fill them full of onions and ship them over to Germany along with other agricultural products. You know those $.69 bunches of onions that can get us over three dollars in Europe according to the two unnamed people from the unnamed company that the Mayor had come over from Germany. Why should they make the outrageous profits when we can instead. What a profit we will make in the agricultural business as well.

We'll send over Essex County wine too because in Europe, our wines will be considered "imported" and would command premium prices compared with being viewed as mere "local" wines here. Our marketers will create a program in Europe similar to the one with the slogan"Le Beaujolais Nouveau est arrivé! "The New Beaujolais has arrived!" where

• "65 million bottles, nearly half of the region's total annual production, will be distributed and drunk around the world"

I definitely am going to try and corner the Ice Wine market because of the long winter that we've had. It should be a great crop for bottling and selling overseas. Think of how expensive that wine is and how many Euros we can sell it for.

Of course, and I don't want to be sexist about it, most of the people travelling on AIR WINDSOR/ESSEX for the jobs will be younger and male.

Pity then the poor housewife with several children who will be forced look after the household, pay the bills, play mother and father to the kids and then see her exhausted spouse for only a short time every week. I know, I did a lot of commuting over an 18 month period and by the end of it, I was physically and mentally drained.

Imagine the stress on the wife and young children who remain in Windsor especially if the wife is working as well. Imagine the stress on the relationship. We don't want marriage breakups and divorces nor do we want children feeling alone or unwanted or having nightmares thinking they only have a single parent or that the family is breaking up.

We are going to need psychologists, psychiatrists and social workers to meet their requirements. Lots of them and almost immediately. But already, we have a shortage in Windsor of these professionals. What are we going to do?

Obviously, we will have to fly these people into Windsor from all over North America to meet the needs of our people. And they can fly AIR WINDSOR/ESSEX! Since they can write off the fares on their taxes as a business expense, we won't have to give them too much of a discount either. And see how we would be filling up Windsor hotels and restaurants too! We can put together package deals for them and make a few extra dollars that way as well.

Heck, it would not surprise me to see that, as part of the therapy, these families are going to need to re-establish relationships as well if their marriages are not to break down and if the kids are not to forget who their father is. They will need some quality time together.

Accordingly, we are going to have to be able to fly them to vacation resorts like DisneyWorld or Hawaii or Mexico. Think of all the charter flights we will be able to sell. Again, AIR WINDSOR/ESSEX comes to the rescue as the charter airline of choice!

But my friends, you did not come into this venture to make a few dollars in the airline or travel business. You did not give me money, or at least your commitment, for the JOBSTODAY FUND to make a small rate of return. You want real dough, the big bucks. You want to hit the jackpot! You want to be rolling in cash so that you never have to worry about money again.

Well my friends there is only one way that you can do that in this country and that is in REAL ESTATE!

Oh I know what you are thinking. You think I have lost my marbles. That those bricks squashed my brains. The real estate market in Windsor is horrible or so you are told, with house prices dropping and homes being foreclosed left and right. How can anyone make money with apartment vacancy rates zooming upwards and buildings being converted into condominiums to save tax money.

But that's what separates those that can make money and those that cannot. Just stick with me and listen. I have the answer.

These are the best of times for you and me, dear investor. The worse it is for Windsorites, the more that people think that we are in a depression... the better it is for us.

I'm going to take all of the rest of the JOBSTODAY FUND money and all of the Government money and I'm going to buy houses in Windsor. Yes, I am going to buy every single solitary house that I can that is in half decent shape at as low a price as I possibly can. I'm going to be the banks' and the mortgage brokers' best friend. I'm going to buy all of their foreclosed properties too. AND at bargain prices as well!

What am I going to do with them... flip them of course and make a huge profit for me and my JOBSTODAY FUND investors, for you who believed in me.

Oh you think I've lost it now don't you. How can anyone possibly make money in Windsor real estate in this market? Don't get excited, just follow along with me. I have it all figured out.

When all of our unemployed people are shipped off to the West, flying AIR WINDSOR/ESSEX of course, we will all of a sudden have the lowest rate of unemployment in Canada. No one here who wants a job will be unable to find one. They will just go out West. We will become the jobs hot spot in Canada, or at least that is how it will appear.

Who would doubt us? Heck, we already have the head Gazelle Feeder saying on CKLW:

• "Ontario is being urged to go after a new Volkswagen assembly plant. The German automaker is searching North America for a site for a new plant. But, Windsor-Essex is not considered a possibility. Development commission C-E-O Matt Fischer says there's a lack of available workers."

Moreover, the jobs that they are going to take out West pay phenomenally well, or so the news stories claim. Of course, when Statistics Canada does their survey of wages and salaries across Canada, when they ask a Windsor family how much money they earn, the rate quoted will be based on the western salary that the wage earner received. Since so many people will be commuting, almost everyone that Statistics Canada contacts here will show this high rate of pay. In a very short time, Windsor's per capita income will be the highest in Canada.

What does this mean... well, if you are looking for a job with high pay you will want to come to the area that has the highest per capita income in Canada won't you. You'll also want to come to an area where the house prices are not as high as those in Toronto or in the West. That area is Windsor too. PLUS, we have advantages from both a cultural and sports perspective. Even this small City, according to the Mayor, can run major events:

• "Our track record speaks for itself to host these events," said Francis at the time. "From the Super Bowl, to Wrestlemania, to the Grand Prix."

Hrumph. And people thought that they were Detroit events! How shameful the American media can be when they spread vicious lies like those. Next they will claim that the North American Auto show is really held in Detroit when we had the big car and truck extravaganza this year at the Windsor Armouries!

Do you see what I'm getting at? I can buy the houses cheaply and then sell them at a much higher price to all these people who are going to flock into Windsor. And I haven't even included all of those rich people from Toronto and Vancouver and from the United States who would move to Windsor, you know the kind of people that Gord Henderson talked about in his column the other day.

But then you say, what happens if those people can't find a job in Windsor because there is no industry here. What happens when they can't pay their mortgage? Ahhhh, that is the beauty of my program. No need to worry, they'll all be mortgaged under the Canadian Mortgage and Housing Corp. program which provides a form of insurance to the lender. Who cares if they cannot pay!

• "Through your lender, CMHC Mortgage Loan Insurance enables you to finance up to 100% of the purchase price of a home."
  
• "Timely payment to the Investor of principal and interest is guaranteed by CMHC, who also insures the underlying mortgages."

You see what I mean. No risks. No worries! The homes can be financed completely with CMHC backing everything. Mortgage meltdown, not for you and me my friends. We are protected. We are happy. WE ARE RICH!

ACT IMMEDIATELY, BEFORE THE JOBSTODAY FUND IS CLOSED! ONLY A SET NUMBER OF PEOPLE WILL BE ALLOWED TO JOIN THE JOBSTODAY FUND. YOU DO NOT WANT TO LOSE OUT! (NOTE: NUMBER OF PEOPLE NOT DISCLOSED FOR CONFIDENTIALITY PURPOSES)

What's keeping you? Why aren't you sending me your money so I can start JOBSTODAY FUND? Why are you hesitating? Don't you want to live like a Windsor public servant or politician, a life of luxury and ease.

Still leery. Oh it works my friends. Just think of programs like the Scientific Research Tax Credit program, HRDC jobs grants, the gun registry, Adscam, DRIC and building a public bridge. The Governments just WANT to waste taxpayer money! Let us help them spend.

Thank our Mayor for the concept, ask him to run for a third term. If he can keep on dreaming up all of these schemes to save his political career, we can capitalize on them and make a fortune.

Come on Windsorites. THINK BIG! DREAM BIG! ACT BIG! Just pick up the phone and call JOBSTODAY FUND toll-free at 1-GET-JOB-FUND and ask for the Prospectus and the free DVD that explains how you can start investing and making money today!

ILLEGIBLE AND INCOMPREHENSIBLE TINY PRINT TO PREVENT YOU FROM SUING ME WHEN YOU LOSE YOUR SHIRT ON THIS DEAL SINCE THIS IDEA WILL FAIL LIKE EVERY OTHER "THINK BIG" PLAN IN WINDSOR THAT HAS BEEN PROPOSED. BY THE WAY, THIS IS NOT A REAL PLAN BUT A SATIRE IN CASE YOU ARE WONDERING:

This PLAN carries a high level of risk, and may not be suitable for all investors or for anyone with half a brain. This PLAN can work against you as well as for you. Before deciding to get involved, see your doctor for medical advice and take an IQ test. Do NOT tell your spouse or significant other what you are thinking of doing or you might be committed. You should carefully consider your investment objectives, level of experience, and risk appetite. The possibility exists that you could sustain a loss of some or all of your investment and therefore you should not invest money that you cannot afford to lose. Heck you should not invest or commit a single penny for heaven's sake but rather go to the Casino and lose your money there. At least, you will keep Windsorites employed there and you will have a good time doing so. PLUS you can get a few free drinks as well. You should be aware of all the risks associated and seek advice from an independent financial advisor.