A City Of Conviction

Today's Star headline reads: "Warmer weather boosts crime rate." Hogwash, that is not the real reason

Windsor has a generous heart as everyone knows. We give to all charities and help out our citizens in times of need.

We are also becoming known as the City of People with Great Conviction

No, not that kind of conviction I am afraid, the jail kind. I am sure you read the story about "Local lawyers will likely seek reduced sentences for their clients because of unsanitary conditions and overcrowding at Windsor Jail...[The lawyer] said more than 15 inmates have contacted him about the jail's conditions, and some have talked about launching a civil action."

Apparently the Windsor Jail story has spread quickly via the underworld grapevine. My stoolie, the Daily Viewer, told me that the following is the front page story in the criminals' newspaper, "The Daily Squealer."

"Criminals Flock to Windsor to Cash In

As the jail conditions continue to deteriorate, criminals nationwide are landing in Windsor to cash in the mega dollars to be earned.

“You know the saying, if you do the crime; you do the time – but not in Windsor. If you do the crime, they give you a dime – and much more,” says one local criminal from Detroit who heard about the good news. “Criminals are more than happy that they are getting a break.”

With three days' credit for each day spent in jail on sentences and a civil "class action" lawsuit about to be launched because of the poor conditions in the jail cells, Windsor will become a safe haven for criminals looking to cash in.

“We are literally seeing hundreds of criminals give themselves up for a night in our jail cell for a piece of that lawsuit money,” said the Windsor Police spokesperson. “Every petty crook from both sides of the border is scrambling to get here. Crime has skyrocketed and the jail cells are becoming overcrowded even more now with all this media attention.”

As for Windsorites, the Police Department is demanding increased funds from Council to hire more officers arguing that there is "wiggle room" in the Budget to do so. The Police union is threatening wildcat strikes if more money is not paid for overtime due to the huge increase in time spent in paperwork because of the arrest of all of these criminals. The union is also demanding earlier retirement and better OMERS pensions since officers will "burn-out" because of the increased workload.

Windsor Mayor Eddie Francis is expected to hold a press conference at his satellite office in Tecumseh to ask all citizens to remain calm but to hide all personal possessions - including all files that mention anything about the Border. "